Fresh Start and New Challenges

 Gosh writing is hard. But its the New Year so that means start things right? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I know that many people hate new years resolutions and many people think that they are going to magically change bad habits into good ones but the truth is somewhere in between. First of all if you are a hater or a lover I think we can at least agree on two things: 

1- We need to ditch the shame! Who cares if you make a resolution and fail or others make the effort to try to change bad habit for good ones and don't even make it 2 days! Let go of the shame. We are made to try and grow and improve. So even those 95% of people who fail their resolution by January tried something new. Stop shaming yourself and others for not being perfect at change (Who is??) Celebrate what was accomplished (even if you only make 2 days) and never stop trying. 

2- New things are exciting. I don't know about you but I love new note books! Fresh pages, white and empty ready to be filled with words and ideas yet to be thought. We all enjoy new clothes or new books or new adventures. The New Year can also feel like a fresh start (especially if we have ditched the shame from what didn't happen last year)

The New Year feels like a fresh beginning to me. A time to reset and find small ways to grow as a person. So that would be why I am back to my blog...its been a while but I want to write again. Even if no one reads it, I want to begin to stretch my skills by putting my thoughts on paper (or screen) again. It feels hard writing this time around. I think I am more self conscious then I used to be and I want to "get it right". I have about 3 drafts of posts I have written over the last 2 years but never posted due to uncertainty and probably fear. But hey its a New Year I can try new things right :) 

So why am I here? What have I decided is finally important enough to write again? 

I am searching for rest and I am terrible at it. So if I start writing about it and put it out to the online world I have accountability. So why rest? Because I am a very busy human and you know that is not a bad thing. I can accomplish a lot in a day when I am focused and motivated. The challenge comes when I (due to my personality) gain my self worth from "doing". Sub consciously believing that people care about me and value me based on what I do and how much a I can produce for them. This leads me not never stopping during the day, rarely taking time to sit with my kids and play and feeling guilty if I sit to do something "unproductive". How will I prove that I have am useful and have worth if I am not constantly running and doing.

I know that this may seem ludicrous to some and that's ok my struggle is not their struggle and theirs is not mine. On my journey I fear that I am without inherent value which means I need to earn this value in some way. I have earned this value throughout my life but achievement and productivity. Doing for people makes me feel like I have earned their approval and I am then valuable to them. My inner thoughts in all sincerity is "What value could I possibly have if I stopped being busy, meeting every need that comes and doing it all, always?" I am going to be honest when I ask this question right now the answer is blank, all I see is an empty screen of blackness. I don't fully understand this but I do know that my value needs to come from somewhere other than what I do and how much I am pleasing people. 

I know I have to have value outside of what I do for you. I know it somewhere deep down but I honestly cannot see it right now. I know in my heart that God has given me inherent value and not just value through the gifts He gave me and a the things I am capable of and this is my goal, my focus, my place to settle this year. I do feel that God is challenging me to rest, and to stop fearing my value. This means I have to say no, I have to take time out of all the "things" that need to be done to rest (even if it means leaving "things" undone). I have already had to struggle with a decision to say no to a request this year. It is something I valued and saw as good, something I knew I would be good at and meet a need and I tried to say yes 100 times and I even told Nate that I wanted to say yes because I would rather regret saying yes and over committing then missing the opportunity to meet this need. But I kept hesitating and then I realized that this was my first challenge in listening to God about resting and I almost missed it. I said no in the end and I wrestled through the guilt and that someone might think less of me. 

So here I am starting this year off searching for ways to rest and through it all hoping to find my own value outside of what I do. This may be a big job and I hope no illusions that this will be a life long journey but this is where I start. And laugh if you want but at this point my daily rest isn't meditation or reading or walking at this point all those things are doing and are achievement for me, so for now its video games for half an hour a day. This may seem like no problem to you but to me it is difficult to do when there is so much I "should" be doing. 

There you have it my New Years confession and I hope as I am challenged and try to grow this year I may gain some insight that might help someone else. But off we go into another year full of surprises and challenges and I am wishing you all the best as you find your own ways to grow and learn this year.