Attitude and Grace

Ugh...(you always know this will be a great post when it starts with that sound)
And before I start let me give you a little background over the past several years and what September means to me:
September 2011 - took a corner too tight and put hole in the wall of my tire. Had to pull over on the side of a busy road and try to get a hold of my husband to come help seems I had a 3 month old and not even 2 year old in the car. Cost = whole new set of tires because the old ones were too worn out to just replace one.
September 2012 - Forgot something and while turning around in a field punctured the side wall of tire (the side wall is not patchable for any of you who don't know this fact)  purchased the year before, oh and my husband was out of town when I did this one. Cost = new set of winter tires and only one new tire in the spring to replace the summer tire I wrecked.
So when September was approaching this year I laughed and told my husband I was going to have to be extra careful and not get a flat tire this year, or maybe just not drive for the month of September.
Well I am beginning to think that the latter would have been my best option.
September 2013 - While merging onto a road in town I bumped the car in front of me (I would give you excuses and explain the whole scenario but it really doesn't matter I simply didn't pay attention) Now it seemed like a small dent from my tow hooks on the front of the truck. No damage to my vehicle but what I perceived as a small dent in hers. As this happened on Saturday I had been waiting to hear back on Monday about it. Well did I hear back. Apparently it was more than $2000 damage, therefore it has be reported to the police and I am now stressed and worried about the extent of this "mistake".

This is where we begin to get into attitude. On Sunday evening our small group from church had gotten together and the discussion and study was based on attitude and watching and being accountable for our attitudes; therefore, this has been on my mind since. Boy, do I want to have attitude. See the car I hit was not the drivers car it was her boyfriends, which means he makes the decisions about it right? Well in my mind he must be a real jerk, there is no way that small dent it worth over $2000 (in my mind anyway) So I want to get angry and say how unfair this is and pretty much find a way to mess them over in anyway I can (Carnal nature speaking here) But God spoke gently to my heart reminding me about my "attitude" (by the way Thanks Chris for that attitude talk) and I know that I need to take this one graciously. Finding a gentle attitude is not always easy but in all honestly this whole thing was my fault and because I was not paying attention. *sigh*

This is where the grace part comes in: I hate messing up and making mistakes. Just ask anyone who knows we and who grew up with me. I was devastated when I failed my first math test in grade 12. I know I am not perfect but I just hate rocking the boat and making mistakes that I cannot "fix". I struggle with perfectionism and the overwhelming sense of failure when something like this happens, especially when I know that it was caused by my behavior. I begin to feel worthless and useless and the spiral just keeps going down and down until I am pretty sure I am the worst wife in the world and I should never be give any responsibility let alone a drivers license. I just want to fix it and make it right before it affects anyone else or causes upheaval. The problem is this is now a money issue and I make NO money. I do not input into our home financially that means that my mistake is going to come out of my husbands wages. He is the one who has to pay for my mistake and it is our family who pays, not me! If I had my own money to pay for this I would use it in a heartbeat! This makes me feel even more awful.

So grace - dear sweet grace. My husband is not a yeller I actually cannot think of a time when he has yelled at me, he has gotten angry but I don't think he has ever yelled. And such was the case in this incident as well. He gets really quiet (and that can be frustrating as well) and I know there are a million things going through his head to say to me (which is sometimes worse because I know him well enough to guess what he might be thinking). So there I am literally sobbing, curled up in the corner, pouting that he would never let this sort of thing happen to him! (attitude!) I know I made a mistake and that I wasn't paying attention (His mind is probably screaming "Just PAY ATTENTION! and this wouldn't have happened") But he knows I already know this and after we have our conversation and I am no longer sobbing. He looks at me and tells me that he still loves me, and that he would never let something like this change that fact. His love hadn't altered because of my accident. Well, the tears started all over again as he hugged me. I had no idea how much I needed to hear that from him. I mean had I really thought about it I would have known it was true but hearing it from him made me realize the grace he was offering me despite what a terrible person I felt I was.
Such a picture to me of God's grace for us. We all know the things we do wrong and satan has no trouble pointing out to us our faults and failures yet despite how low and small and worthless we feel  God says "I still love you! My love for you has never changed and  nothing we can ever do will change His love for us.
How beautiful grace truly is. I see clearly the grace from my husband and I know God's grace is even bigger.

On a practical note I know that I am not always good at paying attention and this is a skill I am going to have to develop and I think I have reached the point that I want to develop. It is not something that comes naturally to me, I am naturally a little scattered and I multitask a lot. But before something even bigger happens I am ready to change and grow and discipline myself to change even though I know it won't always be easy or comfortable. But until then looks like I have a day filled with terrible phone calls and a trip to the police station to give a report; not any fun in my book but necessary for the reality of my situation.
Today I am praying for peace (these kind of things always stress me out and I have never had an accident that was my fault) and I am praying for a gracious attitude. Your prayers would be appreciated too!

P.S. If anyone is interested in buying homemade relish, jams or pickles the proceeds will be going to helping pay my deductible ;)

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